Addressing the elephant in the room during a negotiation

When reading Chris Voss’s excellent Never Split the Difference I was delighted to find that I had inadvertently used one of the most simple & effective techniques during a negotiation I found myself in years before.

The technique is called labelling and I employed it when working abroad. Although I’m not the kind of guy who makes mother-in-law or boss jokes, this guy was insane.

As I was working abroad, I needed a work visa to be employed and this person took (perceived) disrespect extremely seriously. What had happened was that a couple of others and I hadn’t attended a function that he had invited us to simply because we didn’t feel like it — no malice intended. Following this ‘transgression’ our boss became very reactive and a couple of days later the whole team was issued a fine for a nonsense reason (the office was too messy). A few of us decided not to sign the relevant slip that confirmed we acknowledged and agreed to the fine. That led to each of us being brought to his office for a chat.

We were called in separately on the same afternoon and didn’t have the opportunity to discuss how each other’s meetings had gone in between meetings. When my turn came I was met with a barrage of threats and intimidation. He made remarks about how disrespectful it was not to attend the ‘team-building’ function (it was just dinner & karaoke) and how we were promoting disunity at work. And then came the thinly veiled threats of how my visa was tied to his business and how it could easily be taken away.

I am not a polemicist or an aggressive person. In fact, I was really upset. I could feel my veins pulsing around my neck and I felt scared and intimidated and it probably showed even though I tried my best to hide it. But when he started threatening visa cancellations (which would lead to me being deported) I couldn’t help but react. I steadied myself to sound measured and I simply said: “You don’t need to be threatening”. Even in real time, I was amazed by his response. Up until that point he had had a steady, intense gaze and was very deliberate with his wording and delivery. But as soon as I made my observation he totally fumbled. He lost his footing and the first thing he mumbled was something like “Threatening? What ‘threatening’?”

If I read correctly what Chris Voss explains in his brilliant book, one of the things that happened was that there was a thick impression of unfriendliness and distrust in the air. But as soon as it was labelled the whole thing just came crashing down.

The thing is that people want to be perceived as being good even though they are anything but (listen to this Radiolab episode for more on this topic). We see this behaviour in dictators all the time. They project an image of being loved even though they likely aren’t.

As I saw my boss had lost his footing I decided on the spot to concede and not make him lose face. I was concerned he might reconsider any decisions he might have made had I pushed for more and thus embarrassed him. I told him I would accept the fine (it was an insignificant amount of money anyway) and that I would attend future functions. Although we didn’t part that meeting as friends, we were at least back to square one. This was a good thing as a few weeks later I needed his help transferring my visa to a new place of work. He didn’t have to help me but he did.

In the beginning, when you label obvious observations you feel like a complete plonker. You think to yourself: “There’s no way this is going to work”. But for some reason mentioning the obvious — something that is causing problems or simply making mention of an unpleasant atmosphere itself — breaks the spell of its effect and helps otherwise mistrustful counterparts find common ground. It confirms to the other party how you feel (which is likely similar to how they feel) and it clears the air. In the words of Archimedes: “Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world.” And labelling is the simplest form of verbal Jiujitsu that can totally transform your interactions with others. Try it!